SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I Don't Care Anymore

 

I haven't slept well. Between looking for a job and matters of the heart, my anxiety has gotten the best of me.

I fall asleep, wake up in a panic, search for jobs, fall back asleep and in the morning it feels like I have a hangover. I am constantly wondering, "Where am I gonna get the money for this...?" , "How am I gonna pay that...?" My heart starts racing and I start to forget breathing. 

I need medical insurance badly too.

Sometimes I get so mad at my ex. If he didn't have an addiction or a jail rap, I'm pretty sure our dreams of having our own place, married with kids would be my reality. 

But it's not.

My reality is FAR from what I thought it would be...and that's okay! I'm happy about who I am and how amazing I turned out to be. 

Just sucks when you apply and apply and apply and no one will hire you. 

Then as far as dating goes...Yeah, I am DONE!

I cant control what God has planned for. I am beyond exhausted from crying, worrying, and truthfully, as long as I know I am TRYING that's all I can do. 

I am in spot now where I just don't give a flying whoot. 

Shit cant get bad...its already bad!

Worrying doesn't make the problem any better....so I don't care.

I also don't care what my body looks like now. 

That's me! 

Loose skin and all.

When I do the deed with a man...that, up there, is WHAT HE GETS!

And if he's expecting a tight, little cute petite body all toned...THAT'S NOT me.

I have jiggle still. 

I am damn proud of it too...

That is all.

End of my "I don't care rant"