12:00 AM

I don't love myself right now. In fact, I often am so disgusted with myself. I am sure there are women out there reading this, that are just gonna LOVE this and jump on me like flies on caca. Probably show their friends, sisters, family and laugh. 

The above picture is ME today. My body isn't the same after pregnancy and the postpartum depression has taken its toll. I am jealous. I never was. I am insecure and never was.

Here I am envious and jealous.

It's affecting my relationship.

Which I am sure women will have a feild day with that too!

I am comparing myself to other women Daniel has been with physically. While most women don't have to deal with knowing who their significant other had sex with, I had no choice. Three women have made out lives hell. He screwed them over royally and it's a price I pay. Granted these women have screws loose. When ALL of them are pretty much married and they are worried about why the man who they had on the side decided to make me the one.

All skinny. All.

Here I am. FAT. Rolls I hadn't seen since I was 264 pounds.

I just had a baby. I have to constantly remind myself of this.

But it takes a toll.

I think maybe he wants a thinner woman. Maybe he wishes I was smaller. Although he assures me that he loves my body and me, something makes me lash out. I yell and start fights. I accuse. I call him repeatedly. I am so ashamed. However, I can't hide this any longer.

I won't take FULL blame for this. He sure knows how to work my nerves that's for sure. But my whole insecure bullshit, is just that MY bullshit. Not his. Not anyone else. MINE!

Who is this woman I have become. She's sad. She often is ugly on the inside. The way I yell is disgusting. I have never been this way. 

I want the old me back. Granted these women have not helped the situation. What they get out of emailing me even though he no longer speaks to them is beyond me. To go out of their way to email me that I am fat, I am ugly, how disgusting I look.

Some days all I do is cry and cry. I havent felt this ugly in YEARS. Years I tell ya. 

My son deserves a mom who loves herself. Who doesnt yell at his dad or take it out on his dad.

He deserves a mom who is happy and so secure with herself that it oozes out of her. Who steps in a room and lights it up. I once was that girl. I want her back. BADLY.


Yes I said it. Sometimes you dont' love yourself. Just admit it.

I cannot be alone. 

But I won't hide it any longer from you guys.

This post-postpartum crap is HARD.

Life is hard and people are cruel.

Now, what am I gonna do about this you may be wondering?

I dont know.

I don't.

Exercise more. Start being real and honest with you and my followers.

I'm in a bad spot mentally, emotionally and physically.

Some days are way harder than others.

Daniel gets the short end of the stick more than I care to admit.

I don't love myself.

But I can start working on it.


safire said...

It's been a while but first of all, congratulations on your son!

You are beautiful both inside and out. I TRULY MEAN THIS.

You are so strong and it's totally NORMAL to be down sometimes.

EFF those women. People who go out of the way to tear someone down obviously can't be too happy in their own lives.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Unknown said...

It will be ok Stef! It all takes time. You are super determined, and that is all you need. You will get there, with God and friends. ;)

864 said...

You are not the only on what feels this way after having a child. For the post-pardum depression, get some help and possibly medications. In terms of how you look, eat better and exercise. You got this far, you can get back in shape. Take it one day at a time and vent if you need to.

Pretty J said...

I love your blog, and you look great I wish I had the nerve to post a pic like that!!! Who cares what other people think, I don't and neither should you!!!

Christine Craig said...

How has no one commented on this yet?? This is mature and wise beyond your years. I know you Stef and let me tell you, one of the first things I admired about you was your fabulousity, all effing 264 lbs of it!!! I mean that in the best possible way. Babe,you oozed confidence then, maybe it was a projection as a defense mechanism, I don't know, but I loved that you took selfies and posted pics of your beautiful face back in 2007-09 when we worked together, I always thought,"that chick is cool man, she doesn't let her weight stop her from loving and being her damn self."

Any time I walked into the newsroom you'd acknowledge me, "Christiiiiiine," lol. You took time out, regardless how brief, to make me, a newcomer, feel welcome.

And then you lost the weight.

Fucking WOW.

And then you kept writing, you found a way to keep doing this thing we love!

And then you brought a ray of sunshine into the earth through your body in the form of that gorgeous son of yours.

That's a big deal. That's thee biggest deal.

And now your climbing again up that mean health and fitress hill. There will be scrapes and set backs, but I don't doubt you for a minute.

Here's why, and I'm sure your man knows this too. You're special Stef. You have "IT"...IT doesn't really have a name, IT's a certain something everyone knows when they see it, a light, a drive, a destiny. Women recognize it in each other, whether they have IT or not, and the best of us admire IT in each other and the worst of us try to point out flaws in those who have IT for countless petty reasons, like those email senders. Fuck em.

The most wonderful thing about growth and life and evolving and having IT is that you are capable of recognizing when you are dimming your own shine, like with all the issues you confess in this post. Let me tell you what you already know. ALL women go through this to some degree. Some are just better at hiding it than others and the best of us, identify it and get to work fixing it. The workouts you're getting back into will go along way in that effort.

I 2010 I went and got some skills for coping with normal concerns, like the ones you're having that cause you to yell. You're not abnormal, but you might be able to use some skills.

I have some info I can share with you for some good healthy, skills-building reading that might help you. It changed my life. I can deal with and manage my anger now, instead of it managing me. Anyhow, I'll inbox you some info.

Give yourself some time Stef, gosh you're so young honey and you've got what it takes, you've proven that to yourself before. You can still access the place your past success has come from, it still lives inside you, you've still got "IT."

Some women never figure out what you just wrote. They place blame everywhere else. Owning yours is HUGE. Congrats on that first step, it's the hardest part.

With love,

Anonymous said...

Please keep fighting! Don't give up. May God give you the strength and peace your heart needs.