I DON'T LOVE MYSELF

12:00 AM


I don't love myself right now. In fact, I often am so disgusted with myself. I am sure there are women out there reading this, that are just gonna LOVE this and jump on me like flies on caca. Probably show their friends, sisters, family and laugh. 

The above picture is ME today. My body isn't the same after pregnancy and the postpartum depression has taken its toll. I am jealous. I never was. I am insecure and never was.

Here I am envious and jealous.

It's affecting my relationship.

Which I am sure women will have a feild day with that too!

I am comparing myself to other women Daniel has been with physically. While most women don't have to deal with knowing who their significant other had sex with, I had no choice. Three women have made out lives hell. He screwed them over royally and it's a price I pay. Granted these women have screws loose. When ALL of them are pretty much married and they are worried about why the man who they had on the side decided to make me the one.

All skinny. Including the mother of his other son.

Here I am. FAT. Rolls I hadn't seen since I was 264 pounds.

I just had a baby. I have to constantly remind myself of this.

But it takes a toll.

I think maybe he wants a thinner woman. Maybe he wishes I was smaller. Although he assures me that he loves my body and me, something makes me lash out. I yell and start fights. I accuse. I call him repeatedly. I am so ashamed. However, I can't hide this any longer.

I won't take FULL blame for this. He sure knows how to work my nerves that's for sure. But my whole insecure bullshit, is just that MY bullshit. Not his. Not anyone else. MINE!

Who is this woman I have become. She's sad. She often is ugly on the inside. The way I yell is disgusting. I have never been this way. 

I want the old me back. Granted these women have not helped the situation. What they get out of emailing me even though he no longer speaks to them is beyond me. To go out of their way to email me that I am fat, I am ugly, how disgusting I look.

Some days all I do is cry and cry. I havent felt this ugly in YEARS. Years I tell ya. 

My son deserves a mom who loves herself. Who doesnt yell at his dad or take it out on his dad.

He deserves a mom who is happy and so secure with herself that it oozes out of her. Who steps in a room and lights it up. I once was that girl. I want her back. BADLY.

Let me be clear: IT'S OKAY TO NOT LOVE YOURSELF AT THE MOMENT,

Yes I said it. Sometimes you dont' love yourself. Just admit it.

I cannot be alone. 

But I won't hide it any longer from you guys.

This post-postpartum crap is HARD.

Life is hard and people are cruel.

Now, what am I gonna do about this you may be wondering?

I dont know.

I don't.

Exercise more. Start being real and honest with you and my followers.

I'm in a bad spot mentally, emotionally and physically.

Some days are way harder than others.

Daniel gets the short end of the stick more than I care to admit.

I don't love myself.

But I can start working on it.


Hello 31

9:40 PM

I celebrated my 31st birthday last Saturday and to be honest, it started out great and ended on a bad note. I'm not going into details but life is harder than I thought. Especially now with a son to think about. One little decision not only affects ME. But him as well. I have a lot of thinking to do as a mom and a woman. Also as a significant other and step-parent.