Saturday's with Stef: Healing

Healing isn't a straight line and it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. Its a squiggly line that takes time. Just like a plant. First you have the seed buried into the dirt. You water it, make sure it has sunlight. Some days you will feel defeated because your flower isn't blooming as fast as the rest and other days you will appreciate the fact that it's blooming within time and taking the time out to grow at its speed. Not others.

I have been a mom for two years and if you aren't a mom, becoming a mom or simply want to know what it's like, well...it gets harder as days pass. Some days my energy is drained from the moment I wake up. Some days I just want to show my son adventures all day long. Some days I cry because I am unsure if I am doing anything right. Some days I swear I am raising a rock star.

But 99.9% of the time, I am still healing. I am still dealing with issues from my childhood that haunt me and I am still trying to forgive others and myself for the sake of my son. Healing as a mom is difficult. I remember trying to heal before motherhood and I had all the time in the world to meditate and focus solely on myself. Now, I can't meditate on MY time. I can't just focus on myself, because lets me honest, if I did...My son would get himself into a pickle.

I haven't spoke of this but being a step mom is harder than being a mom and challenges my growth and healing. My stepson, well...he has issues like most of us. He deals with a lot of abandonment issues and on weekends we pay for the mistakes his other parental unit makes. As much as I respect her as mom and shes been kind to my face (behind my back is another issue) When I hear him say, "My mom told me to treat you bad" I break. I cry. I get angry and I often wonder what I did to deserve this. My son will never know that life and I am grateful but unfortunately, this is my life NOW and healing is hard in that aspect of my life when I am constantly challenged. The most unloved children will ask for love in the most unloving ways and I will just keep on loving the crap outta him because that's what he wants and needs from me.

So healing is hard when there's a drawback as a mom, step mom and soon-to-be wife. 

Even if you aren't in my shoes, there's a lot of setbacks in life.

So I beg of you, be gentle with yourself during this process. Take the time out to pat yourself on the back and remember the line of healing isn't straight.