Saturday's with Stef

12:06 AM

I am a woman who has grown up without a dad. I mean, my dad didn't just up and leave...he just was a weekend dad that enjoyed his freedom and women more than his kids. As a little girl my dad use to physically abuse me. He will tell you he NEVER did such a thing, but I know the truth.
He was an abusive man.
So as I got older, I saw my dad less and less...Its been a good 4 years since I have seen my dad. However, I know I have Daddy Issues thanks to the lack of my father.

I am so not oblivious to that.

However, I don't go sleeping around with as many guys as I can. The two relationships I HAVE been in, have been, HORRIBLE and each man has possessed a trait my dad has. 


So this leads me to the ABOVE picture....My grandpa and I holding one another's hand as he laid frail in the hospital bed. My grandpa is not doing well health wise. I know he wont be here for long, but I was sitting there with him the other day and realized he has been the only man in my life that hasn't LOVED ME and Leave me...
My grandpa is FAR from perfect and I know at time with his own children made mistakes. He always told me that I came into his life when he was really sad and made him happy. In ways I saved him he said. YES I AM A GOLDEN CHILD

But with me, My grandpa has NEVER made any mistakes. He used to give me a $20 bill and tell me to get 2 10 cent packs of gum. When I would return, he'd tell me, "Keep the change" Lemme tell you, for a kid that is A LOT of money!

But it really had me thinking about the men I choose. 

They weren't (at the time) kind to me like my grandpa.

They weren't considerate like my grandpa.

They never looked at me and in their eyes I can see how much they love me like I can see the love my grandpa has for me in his eyes...

They were ANYTHING like my grandpa...

I loved both of my exes...I loved the recent one a tad bit more and was CONVINCED he was the one. I am losing my grandma and I am thinking, how I lose everything I love.  I know, nothing and no one in life is guaranteed, but I always wonder...When can I catch a break?

When does my happy ending even begin.

I know I need to break the cycle.

My ex put me in harms way and I am NOW , BARELY learning, that was NOT cool...and in ways I am learning my worth.

Do you have a cycle you need to break?


Big Mark 243 said...

Good for you Stef... I have always thought you were a wonderful young woman and you need to value yourself like the precious jewel that you are!!

Cycle that I need to break... I don't know if it is a 'cycle' as much as a situation. I say that because the players that have been involved are unrelated to one another and the only links are the conditions and me.

Working hard on that. It is a daily battle.

Take care and be well. Hold out for what you deserve... and you you deserve is determined by what you are worth to yourself.

Savannah said...

Break that cycle girl! You deserve a man like your grandpa who will love you unconditionally. I'm sorry he isn't doing well ):

Lots of love!


Nekiah Torres said...

I tell you time and time again that you are beautiful, smart woman that deserves a good man who will love you for you!! Hold on and hold out until that man comes along sweetie. I can totally relate to the dad situation. It is a cycle in my family and it is very sad. A cycle that I need to break is anger. It runs in my family and I tend to get angry at the drop of a dime. I am prayerfully learning to be slow to anger. Great post. I appreciate you being open with us. I am so sorry to hear about your abuelo but remember to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. He's going to a better place mama! Besitos, Kiah

Style Chic 360 said...

You are beautiful Steph and you will find the right one! I'm going through this myself too, and it's alot of times hard to believe and trust that things will work out.

One thing I struggle with is stress. I try not to stress over things and I'm getting better with it. I'm trying to realize that my happiness depends on me. And for as long as I stress over things I'm not ever going to be happy. Being stress free is totally a state of mind.

HOld on to the good times and great memories of your grand dad.

Traci Marie Wolf said...

I'm in the middle of breaking all of my cycles. I think the thing that is helping me to actually change is that I am not giving up. I fail and instead of lying down and dying(like before)I get up see what needs to change and start to change it baby steps. Change always looks so far away but it's not. Even a tiny change is a change. All of the things you are reflecting on are the plan for change. Think about people who NEVER change. YOU KNOW they don't sit around thinking about what their problem is and how they can change. They just spend their time in denial. YOu are not that way. I'm so sorry your grandpa is not doing well. But I'm happy that you are changing.

Unknown said...

Break the cycle girl I know you can do it. You're a beautiful, strong and unique woman is time to take your destiny head on and drive it to a path of happiness and true love...because you deserved nothing less than the "BEST"...

<3 Marina