Saturday's with Stef: Healing

Healing isn't a straight line and it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. Its a squiggly line that takes time. Just like a plant. First you have the seed buried into the dirt. You water it, make sure it has sunlight. Some days you will feel defeated because your flower isn't blooming as fast as the rest and other days you will appreciate the fact that it's blooming within time and taking the time out to grow at its speed. Not others.

I have been a mom for two years and if you aren't a mom, becoming a mom or simply want to know what it's like, well...it gets harder as days pass. Some days my energy is drained from the moment I wake up. Some days I just want to show my son adventures all day long. Some days I cry because I am unsure if I am doing anything right. Some days I swear I am raising a rock star.

But 99.9% of the time, I am still healing. I am still dealing with issues from my childhood that haunt me and I am still trying to forgive others and myself for the sake of my son. Healing as a mom is difficult. I remember trying to heal before motherhood and I had all the time in the world to meditate and focus solely on myself. Now, I can't meditate on MY time. I can't just focus on myself, because lets me honest, if I did...My son would get himself into a pickle.

I haven't spoke of this but being a step mom is harder than being a mom and challenges my growth and healing. My stepson, well...he has issues like most of us. He deals with a lot of abandonment issues and on weekends we pay for the mistakes his other parental unit makes. As much as I respect her as mom and shes been kind to my face (behind my back is another issue) When I hear him say, "My mom told me to treat you bad" I break. I cry. I get angry and I often wonder what I did to deserve this. My son will never know that life and I am grateful but unfortunately, this is my life NOW and healing is hard in that aspect of my life when I am constantly challenged. The most unloved children will ask for love in the most unloving ways and I will just keep on loving the crap outta him because that's what he wants and needs from me.

So healing is hard when there's a drawback as a mom, step mom and soon-to-be wife. 

Even if you aren't in my shoes, there's a lot of setbacks in life.

So I beg of you, be gentle with yourself during this process. Take the time out to pat yourself on the back and remember the line of healing isn't straight.

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: He Hears

 

I am so blessed. Work has been so, great! No other word to explain it. Granted, it's something I will have to learn but I am so thankful I have coworkers who are teaching me and a boss who believes in me. The staff is wonderful.

I am unsure of what life will deal me. But going through that storm has shown me that every time a storm comes, I have survived. I may not have walked out the same Stefanie as I walked in, but I came out. Better, stronger, wiser and grateful.

I guess that is the thing about life storms. Thery change you. I saw peoples true colors. I saw how selfish, selfless , positive and negative people can me. I saw who was just using me to thier own benefit and who truly is my FRIEND. Not even my own "best friend" came out the storm my best friend. I guess that's life though right. You grow up and it's about quality and not quanity. 

I know happiness and sadness is temporary. All I can do is never give up despite the setbacks I have. God will give me all that I deserved because I ahve worked for it. I have earned it on my own.

I know God, my grandpa and my grandma are all watching out for me. I know God has amazing things planned for me. 

I am so grateful that my heart is overwhlemed with it.

It's gonna burst with graititude for the Lord.

He heard my nights of nothing but cries. He felt the pain in my heart and my prayers. 

He heard.

He hears.

God is so good and I will praise him when I am up and when I am down.

I am living life:

 PRAYFUL, 

MINDFUL, 

FAITHFUL 

AND HOPEFUL.

Saturday's with Stef: The Woman I have the Potential to be & A new Job!

 

Before I start this post I just want to say:

 GOD IS SOO GOOD! So so, so good!

I also want to say thank you to all those who have stuck with me these past few months. I only managed top have ONE reader not know all the facts and stop reading me. YAY! But you didn't and I thank you. I also thank my family and all my friends who showed me unconditional love and support. 

God is so, so, so good.

 

I had done a VLOG to announce this post, but my wifi is not being a friend to me right now.

I FOUND A JOB!

I haven't started yet but hopefully when my drug-test is cleared I start asap. I have never done a drug test before btw lol. I am clean as a whistle of course but it was a great experience lol.

I am kind of scared and nervous but I know that God will help me and give me strength. He sure will. He has before and he will do it again. But you want to know what this has REALLY showed me. It showed me who were my TRUE friends.

I was down on the ground suffering from anxiety and depression. Many times just wanted someone to be kind because Life wasn't too kind. Many times I just wanted to hear, "Stay hopeful Stef!" and have a shoulder to cry on. Many dropped like flies.

But also, many stepped up.

This is my last year in my twenties and these growing pains have taught me so much about the woman I want to be in my 30's. The woman I have potential to be.

I don't know what life has in store for me. I will work hard because GOD provided this opportunity to me and I will always bounce back.

I thank him for this dark time because I really saw true colors. I saw the people who love me and support me. People who took the time aside to send me messages, texts, calls despite them having a life. 

Those of you who left comments of encouragement and love. 

I appreciate you.

I appreciate God

God is good. So good.

 

Saturday's with Stef: $348

 

$348 Left to last me three months. Thank God I have my family who feeds me and provides me with shelter. That I have to give an AMEN! too! I know many don't have that.

That number in bank account bothers me. I have been applying everywhere. Sometimes I sit back and think, "It's not what you know, but who you know." But I can't complain anymore. There are people who have it worse off than me.

I know if I keep doing my part, God will do his. He has NEVER let me go without. I know someday when I have kids, they will keep faith like me during this time.

I just want a job I love. A job that loves me. A job that doesn't feel like a job. I want life to finally fall into place for me. I want to be able to breathe and say, "AHHHH" I don't want to have to try to stretch out $348 bucks over a span of 3 months just so I can pay for my needs (Kotex, deodorant, etc.)

I have faith. I think I had lost it the last few months. I felt so betrayed by the world. I couldn't even be happy I was alive and healthy. I was just so stuck on "why me?"

I guess I just got sick and tired of crying every day. Or as I like to believe God took away my pain and said, "Trust me. Something great is coming."

I have faith.

Oh yes I do!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: Will I....?

 

I laid in bed and had a vision. I came home from work on Friday afternoon. Struggled with my keys, while trying to juggle my things and suddenly my daughter opened the door. "Moms home!" Kissed my kids and my husband got up off the couch and kissed me so sweetly. He smelled as if he just had a long day at work himself. I tell him to order pizza, because Friday's mean pizza night in our household.

We sat around the table, talking, laughing.

After dinner I cleaned up and joined my family watching a TV with popcorn.

I laid my myself across my husband, as he brushed the sides of my hair, held me tight and every now and then sneaking a kiss. My kids would look back and without saying anything, know we are in love.

Once the movie was over, we bathed them and got them into bed. 

It was US time.

I woke up.

Will that ever be my life? Or is this some imaginary scenery that will never come true. 

I just want happiness. I want someone who chooses me all the time, every day, any time. REGARDLESS.

I woke up feeling so sad yet hopeful.

We would have a relationship that's filled with more laughs than tears because God knows I have cried enough. 

People will envy our friendship and say, "She married her soul-mate, HOW LUCKY ARE THEY!"

Someday right?

I will right?

Will I?

Saturday's WIth Stef: I am Broke But I Am Alive

 

I'm not gonna sit here and hide the truth from you. I have been depressed lately. When I say depressed, I mean I don't want to get up. I'm eating junk and I am crying out of the blue. In public and all. I have been miserable. 

The job I wanted and got, is going through a buy. I am uncertain of I still got the job. I cried and cried. I wanted that job, I may still have it but again, I wont believe it until I do the paperwork. The atmosphere, getting to HELP people...I felt at home.

Lost people who didn't want to see me grow and ENJOYED me hitting rock bottom. It became so overwhelming that I I just became a hermit.

But I am alive.

I've been through worse shit. I am proof that darkness is needed to grow.

I am alive.

That's all that matters right?

I am broke but at least I am alive.

I am surrounded by people who LOVE to see me grow. Who are there for me. REGARDLESS of my situation. Whether I am rich, poor, fat, skinny, in or out...I love I have allowed God to do what he needs to do just so I can become a better woman.

Granted I have been crying, I realized IA MA ALIVE.

Life cant get any worse and the only way to go from here is UP. 

I'm broke but I am alive.

I trust in God. I know he knows that this test he is putting me through is teaching me a lesson. I often wish I knew what that lesson was but so far, I see the lesson is knowing who is on your team for good. 

I trust he will make my sadness go away.

I am broke....

BUT I AM ALIVE

Saturday's with Stef: The Anonymous Text

 

I got another job.

 God is good.

Life has put me through some battles that I surely thought I wouldn't win. I cried my heart out and even felt like tossing in the towel but there I was, on two feet...wobbling, shaking, but hell! I was standing. I cried to my friend Nick and I asked him, "Do things ever fall into place?" He said, "No. There will always be something."

Not the answer I was looking for. But he was right. Everything is temporary, even the air we inhale has to get exhaled. You just learn to deal with it.

See, I keep my life an open book because I know what it's like to fight endlessly. I am not one of those people who sugar-coats things. Life isn't sugar-coated. Life can suck. You name it, I have been through it.

I got an anonymous text. Yes, anonymous because a certain coward couldn't tell me who it was. The text said that they loved me but I depend so much on my beauty that I have yet to experience true humility.

I say this to YOU, Mr/Miss/Mrs Anonymous....where were you when I was being held down and feces stuffed in mouth? Or when I lost a baby. Where were you when I felt like dying? Where were you when I almost did die? They spoke of how I live at home with my mom...but do they know why? Clearly not.

No where.

They have NO clue to what my life has been. Clearly they don't read my blog or "Care" enough to have a real conversation. They also said I keep life at a distance...I dont' This is my first time in MY life I am living life. The good, the bad, the ugly.

I share with you guys because I want you to know that shit that has happened to me, BRUISED ME. But it didn't BREAK me. 

This anonymous did piss me off but it made me realize that some people LEFT my life because GOD removed them for me. For my well-being. For my safety. Why would I want someone like this is in my life? Someone who apparently cares for me yet knows nothing of me. I don't.

God is so good to me. Even when he's teaching me lessons.

Even when I say "Oh why God?" and start losing faith...he is so good!

Thank you to whoever sent this anonymous text. It made me appreciate all those who have stuck by me through the humility and made sure to laugh with me, instead of at me.

Thank you for reassuring me why your not in my life.

Saturdays with Stef: Why Did God Put Me On This Earth....?

 

The other day I cried to my mom.

"Why does thios bad stuff happen to me when I am a good person?"

A thought that has been plaguing me for sometime now.

In the most loving, genuine, sincere voice, she said, "Mijia, God gives you these obstacles to be able to help people."

The tension on my heart eased.

Someday, when I am old and gray, sitting on my porch watching my grandchildren play and my children sit with me, and my husband watering the lawn, I will truly know it was a test and lead me to a great life.

I am a good person. I dont hurt anyone, speak ill of anyone, and I do right by the law. Now by God, that's a whole different story but he loves me anyways and forgives me on a daily basis.

I know I constantly worry about money, love and just being at peace...It will all fall into place. I know it will.

I pray that I get this job. It's a wonderful job and I know I could grow in it. But I also know at the end of the day, God is gonna lead me on the path that is best for me.

I have to have faith.

I have to know that these trails and tribulations will make me a better person and be able to help people.

I truly believe I was put on this Earth to share my story, to hope that someone doesnt quit on themselves.

God will have my back as long as I believe in him.

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: Growing Pains

 

This past week was full of such raw emotions. I started thinking about the feelings of losing my grandma and how much the wound still feels open. How much pain my pain is in. I am smiling, laughing but she's gone....Just not here to hug.

This past week I saw people for who they really are. Some are close to me and turned out to be selfish. Expecting me to be there for them yet here I am still trying to carry this sadness without cracking. People who I thought understood this pain turned out to be selfish. Beyond selfish.

Then theres some who I saw were just not good women. Women who are two-faced.  Women who knocked other women down and thought, "Well I can because I am the leader..." It was so disgusting to see women who were about love and peace let other women tear down other women. 

Maybe I am going through growing pains.

Maybe I see things differently.

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: Nude Thoughts

 

Im not sure what Im feeling lately. Im working hard, doing what Im suppose to be doing and finally feeling like I have a life. 

I wish I had more girlfriends to hang out with.  More of a life, I guess. I dont know if I am making sense. 

I know I have been in this rant about dating and what not, granted I do want to start getting back inot dating, I cant afford Match.com monthly and lately I have been in this, "Keep to yourself, let love find you Stef" mode. 

So I guess aspects of my life feel like theres a hole. 

I know things fall into place on Gods time. I am done worrying about things I cannot control. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and a bed to sleep in at night. I have "perks" and I am so blessed to have a steady income. But I guess I sit back and think about how happy I am and start to think about how awesome it would be to share my happiness. 

Maybe its because I am getting older.

Mr.Cochino came up on Tinder and I freaked out. Memories flooded my mind and I missed the great parts of him. The parts that made me smile while texting him. The parts that made me so proud to have him. It made me miss that feeling of being able to go over and lay down and watch TV with someone.

Weird how it feels like a break-up.

I mean I guess it was....is. We called each other boyfriend and girlfriend in public. We made it known there was an US.

And that leads me to, Im scared. What if true colors show and each man turns out to be another Mr.Cochino. I guess thats a chance I take.

Okay I vented. Happy Saturday!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: Online Dating

 

Am I the only woman who feels like online dating isn't for them? I downloaded Tinder again and I will be honest, I just cannot get into it. Something seems so unconventional about online dating.

I want to interact with a man. Have that first initial REAL, IN PERSON encounter. The flirting with the eyes, the hint of a smile, the anticipation of , "Is he gonna approach me?"

I ahvent given up on love and I will fight for it.

But sometimes I feel like BAIT online. The way guys speak to me is as if I am meat.

I shut it down.

I get scared.

I delete the app.

In that order.

I have heard so many success stories from online dating that it gives me hope. I just am so afraid of it. I still have this whimsical dream in my head that me and my future husband will meet in a crowded bar and he will smile at me like he's seen gold.

Or something like that.

I dunno. Maybe I just need to give online dating a chance.

Its a new era and this is the "Thing" to do....right?

Ugh but the creeps!

FML!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I pick Shitty Men!

 

This week, I was sitting there thinking about a certain man who constantly comes back around in my life when it's CONVENIENT for HIM. With the issue of my dad being brought up this week, I had to step back and analyze, "Do I really wanna be his friend? Am I just good for sex? Is that all men see when they look at me?"

I'm not oblivious to the fact that I do have sex appeal. I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and tell you when I am out , shamelessly flirting, I don't use it to my advantage.

I do! Harmless fun and Girls just wanna have fun!

But as he stood there, with his arms around me, telling me we should just be friends, I thought, "You're disgusting!"

In fact ALL the men I have EVER in my life dated have been low-grade. 

Clearly I am shitty at picking out men. Then again, look who 1/2 made me.

Anyways back to what I was saying.

I pick shitty men. 

Yes I just OPENLY admitted this.

Even when I think they are "Good" men, they still turn out to be shitty.

Maybe it's society? Maybe society NOW, teaches them that "Easy is better" and since I am not easy, I get shit on. 

I enjoy being single, don't get me wrong. I know Gods choice for me will eventually come to light and I am not gonna be wrapped up in men's bed to find him. I will wait patiently and NOT SETTLE!

Trail and error I guess? 

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: Some Men Are Sleazy

 

Lately someone who I used to see has been texting me. At first I thought, "Hey! Turns out we can be friends, maybe he has changed" 

To give a small insight on why we arent seeing each othr anymore: I found out he was sleeping around and not using a condom. Now, I dont care what a man does who isnt mine, but when I find out he's out there giving away the popcicle to every woman willing to spread her legs, then Im turned off and I put him in a "X" zone. Meaning we will never be intimate or cool again.

Like I have done with Mr.Cochino recently. 

So being a kind hearted, forgiving woman, we texted as if we were homies. Boy am I naive. Dude wants to just have sex with me. 

-Blank stare-

Do I look like a good time ONLY girl ? I dont think so.

And to be honest, even if I wanted too (I have needs and wants too ya know) what makes him think I would sleep with him knowing he has sex with every damn girl in sight? Mr.Cochino does that. I dont want a man who has been every where with every girl. It's disgusting to me.

Granted we all have pasts. I'm no angel....but once I find out a man is a "man whore" Im just completely repulsed.

Hitting a woman up for sex is just sleazy....and makes them look desperate.  They may be desperate, but I am certainly not!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: My lesson with Mr.Cochino

 

I had downloaded Tinder to keep me entertained. Chatted with a few men here and there, but I deleted the app. 

I'm not looking anymore.

The last dude who humiliated and degraded me really through me for a loop.

I had spoken to him after the incident. He admitted fault, but then something happened and I had to ask him to NEVER contact me again. I think his character as a human being is just filthy and I don't want to be with a man who embodies a man whore.

Pardon my french.

I remember the day before I met him. I was so happy and care-free. My love life was non-existent but I was so comfortable in my solitude that I didn't have a worry about the path God will lead me too.

I think God had me meet Mr.Cochino. I let my guard down and opened myself up to him.

It was God's lesson: It's okay to be vulnerable....

I also truly believe it was God's lesson to teach me, I cant keep trying to put back what he has taken away.

Mr.Cochino was always put back and God kept taking him away. Like, "Stef, why are you trying to keep this dude in your life, don't you know I'm trying to remove him and I will continue you to do so until you learn that I am the one who determines who is for you."

I'm not worrying about love.

God has someone amazing for me.

No online stuff either. The men were creepers. 

I'm good in that department.

God's time. 

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I'll be okay....

 

The other day I read a woman's post about how she only lost a pound. How that wasn't her goal. How that's not "the plan." 

After I gave her a little pep talk on how it took me 7 years to reach goal weight, I thought about MY plan.

God laughs at our plans by the way.

My life hasn't turned out to be the picture I had wanted it to be painted, you know, the one in my head. 

That's okay.

I know God never takes away something without bringing something better into your life.

He always does.

I am excited for my future.

Who I will meet, what adventures I'll go on and just in general.

Maybe I got tired of crying.

Okay, I did.

I have learned to accept the things I cannot change and change what I can.

I'm okay.

I will be okay. 

 

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I won't punish every man for one mans mistake

 

If I told you I don't still feel bad, I would be lying. It still stings. I still am up wondering how I even met a man as cochino like him. 

But I won't make every man pay for his mistake.

I still believe that there are good men out there. That somewhere in this world, God has one made just for me. A man who compliments me and will treat me good. A man who will show me that not all men are alike. 

I truly believe this in my heart.

A lot of females start turning into the men who broke their heart. That has never been me and never will be me. There is no sense in punishing someone else for someone Else's mistake. I still pray for the cochino at night and ask God to wake his saddened heart up to see the love that God gives him. I hope some day he feels God's love and begins to love.

Will I continue to date? Of course. Now will I literally go out of my way to date? No. I am not searching to date. However, if I get asked to go on a date, I will go. I will remain open with my heart, mind, arms and soul. It's who I am. You can't change that aspect of who I am. I was raised to be open. After all, I was the little girl who pranced around in a tu-tu and talked to a pink star earring while saying, "Synergy! Synergy!"

Love will come to me. Why? Because I have asked God for a man so good that only HE can have made for me. A man who has wished for me just as much as I wished for him. I know the day I find this man, God will say, "See, my love never fails you." 

And his love hasn't. 

The process is so reckoning and often times I am scared. Though, it's a process. I will learn to adjust my sails and I will stay true to myself.

I will not punish every man for Mr.Cochino's mistakes.

I am not bitter and I am not sad. 

I am hopeful.

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: It's okay I don't have my shit together

 

I realized there is only so much I can control.

Ive been on multiple interviews and each time I get an email saying they went with another candidate. 

I cried yesterday.

Sat in the shower and just cried.

I felt like a failure. 

But I'm not.

I'm TRYING.

It's not like I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing expecting a job to land right on my lap.

I'm TRYING.

There was a point in my life almost 4 years ago that I didn't think I'd make it out alive. In fact I wish he had killed me because if not, my sanity would have led me to take my own life because of his abuse.

I know if I can get through THAT phase in my life, I can get through this phase.

I KNOW IT.

So I don't have my shit together. Apparently NONE of us do and even when we think we do, we really don't. Maybe as humans we never really have our shit together. There will always be a loose thread, a rough patch, and so on.

I know this is a phase.

Storms don't last forever and I am learning to adjust my sails.

AHOY MATEY!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I Talk Crap To Myself

 

I was watching old Youtube videos of me and it occurred to me that I talk bad about myself an awful lot.

I was really saddened by this. 

I always encourage you guys to stay positive and be kind to yourself yet there I am, talking shit to myself!

Yeah I used the word shit. 

It made me feel sad, embarrassed and I had to think, "How can I fix this?"

Granted my soul feels like it's in stormy waters right now and I am feel bad about myself.

I still should talk positive to myself.

I would feel like crap if I talked that way to a total stranger.

I call myself a " Loser" several times...

Am I really a loser?

No.

Some people would NEVER in their life be able to walk a mile in my shoes.

Every day my mom works, I cook for my family.

They have a hot meal.

Every day I clean up after my family.
They have a clean house.

I know someone who thinks it's BENEATH them to do such things for their own family.

Some day I will be doing it for my very OWN family.

I do a lot despite not having a part-time or even Full-time job.

I do a lot.

I am not a loser.

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: The Fat Girl Complex Strikes Again!

 

That's me. Have you ever taken a picture and say, "Is that me?"

I call this, "The Fat Girl Complex"

More than often I walk into the the Plus Size section. 

More than often I still think I am overlooked. 

More than often the mental image of myself in my head is still 264 pounds.

The feeling doesnt go away. 

I was so used to being heavy for SOOO long, that "Small Stefanie" is kinda of hard to adjust too.

YOure probably thinking, "Are you serious?" Im dead serious. I can take all the selfies I want but sometimes the mental image I have of me (keyword is :Sometimes)  is of a bigger Stefanie.

And lemme tell you...maintaining is a beast. I am constantly struggling. 

When people tell me, "Well the hard part is over!" I look at them insane. It's not. The hardest part is NOT gaining it all back and it's so easy too!

I get in the "Well it wont hurt me" mentality and before you know it, Im feeling sick to my stomach and remembering how easy it is to gain than to lose. 

I guess I am just ranting.

Happy Saturday Kiddos!

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: I crave Stability

 

I crave stability.

I feel like I never really had it. I guess that is why I long for it when I have my own family. 

I don't want them growing up feeling unstable, having people walk out on them, abused, or emotionally corrupted like I have.

I don' want a perfect husband, but one who wouldn't dare shatter my heart or our family. The kind of husband who I fight with and instead of leaving the house, he goes sits his ass in another room until we can TALK it out.

Yeah, there will be NO yelling in my house unless there is a fire.

Yelling scares me. Stems from my childhood.

Stability.

Will I get that? Or will I always be a loser (that's how I feel) constantly moving.

A place to call home.

A place to say, "This is it...this is where I am planting my seeds to watch it grow."

I'll be honest, I feel like I am being punished.

For what? No clue.

I feel like I am stuck. I can move. Im not a tree.

So I make moves. 

I've applied to jobs. 

Some people seem to think the job market is so amazing right now.

Have they not seen who our president is?

How badly the job market is and I am in a race with millions of people here in L.A just to snag a job.

When do things get better for us.

When can we finally exhale and smile?

I crave stability.