Saturday's With Stef: My Daddy Issues

7:00 PM

This post is a little late in the day, and probably one of the hardest blog posts for me to write. I have touched on the subject of my dad before...but not in depth. As a 28 year old who has an unsteady job and is BARELY dealing with her issues when it comes to her dad.

I can honestly say, I don't know what its like to have a dad. I see most girls talk about how their dad is so awesome. Not mine. At a young age, earliest as three, my childhood was filled with abuse from my dad. He constantly yelled at me and beat me. 

This is no secret in my family.

As a teenager I heard names like "selfish bitch" when I didn't want to see him. "Ungrateful little bitch" and so on. 

Why am I writing this? Thursday I found out that he used MY identity for cable and racked up a bill that went to collections. I felt as if someone stabbed me with a knife. This is nothing new though. He has done this to my brother his WHOLE life. I called crying, yelling and of course, he blamed someone else.

Friday, a separate person, stole my credit card number and wiped my account out. Guess who has no money? ME.

I sit here crying because today I woke up feeling HORRIBLE. I feel so violated. I feel beaten. I feel used and I feel like a loser. No money to make up the negative money that was withdrawn. No money at all.

I'm so mad. I feel horrible and beyond hurt. My heart feels as if someone took, slammed it on the freeway and let cars run over it.

But I have to act like I have my crap together and smile even though inside I am truly suffering.

I blame him for my taste in men. Of course I would be madly in love with a man who verbally abused me. Of course I'd get with another man who does just the same.

I have had NO solid lead to what a dad is or should be.

My step-sister gets praised for being on her own with three kids from three different dads and one of the kids she abandoned. 

I know better to not bring a child into my life with just any man or with the way things are now. I know better to let my child suffer as I have and am suffering.

My whole life I have chalked it up to, "That's just how my dad is" and have accepted it. No more.

People who tell you they love you and do horrible things to you...that's not love. Not even REMOTELY love. 

Maybe I need to see a therapist. 

Maybe I need to tell him how shitty of a human being he is.

Or how he has ruined my life. 

or just walk away.

I'm walking away.

This pain inside is so unbearable. 

"It's OKAY Stef!" I tell myself.

and it is OK.


Dennise Jimenez said...

I love you honey. Stay strong, I hope your money gets reimbursed, stay on top of the bank and demand your money back as well asthe negative charges. They must repay you. Stay focused...keep looking for work. is there any way your mom can help you get into white memorial doing something?

864 said...

Contact you credit card company and inform, them that your card was stolen. In terms of the cable bill that your dad racked up, call the cable company and fight the charges. i know you feel like giving up, but don't. Get angry and fight back. Don't waste trying to talk to your father, but it brings just misery.

Anonymous said...

Youre a strong & beautiful woman! Stay strong as you have been!

Xoxo Michelle

Anonymous said...

You are pretty and seem nice overall but its not nice to put your step sister on blast on your public blog. You say you never talk bad about anyone but thats not true.