Saturdays with Stef : Losing weight doesn't change your problems

3:43 PM

Some think losing weight automatically makes your problems disappear. Some think, men will automatically line up at your door. Some even may think losing weight, equals happiness. 
It doesn't.
I am proof.
I am sitting here crying, wishing I could tell you losing weight bettered my life.  It made me money and brought me the man of my dreams. It's diminished every problem I have boggled my pretty little brain with. It hasn't.
Yes, it's made me a healthier woman and a better human being. I am no longer sad, well, not that often. I get free drinks at the bar, yes. Men hit on me more, yes. Men do a double take, yes. I no longer have anxiety over going shopping. I walk into a store, go straight to the clothes, and pick out all the clothes my little heart desires to try on.
But you see, my life hasn't changed I'm 29, jobless, loveless, and still living at home with my family. Sometimes my depression and anxiety kicks in and I lock myself into my room, hide under the covers, and pray things get better for me.
There will always still be that one guy, who thinks I'm fat, thinks I'm ugly, and who thinks its okay to make me feel like crap. There are not a million guys waiting at my door to date me, and sometimes at the bar - I actually have to work to get a man's attention.
I have loose skin, cellulite, stretch marks and all the above that comes with losing weight. So sex with me is sometimes not enjoyable. Taking off my top is a no-no. Doing it doggy-style, even a bigger no-no. The skin just hangs down and even though men dont care, I know it's hanging because I feel it hanging, because sometimes it hurts when it hangs, and it bothers me.
Don't even get me started about girls. Since losing weight I have lost a lot of friends. I even had one of my best friends tell me that losing weight made her feel bad about herself. That me, losing weight, made her feel bad about herself which in return made me feel bad. She was always the skinnier one, the prettier one, the one who guys flock to at the bars. Now I am that girl and some girls just don't know how to react to the fat girl becoming the skinny girl. They don't know how to react to a woman coming into her own and setting out to do exactly what she wants to do in life - lose weight, better herself, get out more, meet people, and all that jazz that comes with losing weight.
I'm in a constant battle between: "should I eat this or should I eat that?", "I don't have any points for that", "Yolo!!" And "I shouldn't have ate that." This is a battle I will always have to be at war with - my weight. Losing a 119 pounds, sometimes is a headache.
Losing 119 pounds is a blessing and a curse. I am proud I've lost this weight, don't get me wrong. I have done things that I've always wanted to do, like date more, go out and meet new people, laugh more, smile more, hike trails, hike the Grand Canyon, do things that 264 pound Stefanie couldn't do. I'm forever grateful that God gave me willpower, determination, and self control in order to lose this weight. So it did not change Who I am as a person, my life or any circumstances. I still struggle, I cry at night, and sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with the world. I am human still, just like you are you human.
I wish I could tell you losing weight really does make all your problems disappear. I wish I can tell you that men will be lining up at the door for you. I wish I can tell you you'll get the dream job you've always wanted. But I cant. Because that's not reality. Just like you guys have told me, I have to work hard to get those things too. It's all work, all aspects of your life is wor, you will die working add a life you want, for the life you want.
But please don't ever give up on yourself. Don't ever look back. Don't ever think badly about yourself. And most of all you have to be kind to yourself, you have to be so nice to yourself because there are going to be bad days in this journey, just like life you're going to have ups and downs on this journey, you're going to want to quit, you're going to want to die, you're going to want to throw in the towel, and you want to often times just throw a big tantrum, that's okay. You can do anything except give up.
Please don't give up on yourself.

3 comments:

Charlotte Sparkle said...

Quite a touching post Stef, I so want to reach out and give you a big hug.

I know how hard dieting is, I struggle to control my food intake most days. I lost weight myself back in 2007 and have yo-yo dieted ever since. You have much better self control and willpower than me, that's for sure.

I hate what I see in the mirror at the minute and I hate the fact that to put it right will mean a life of having to limit my daily intake again, cutting out all the bad things which I currently enjoy.

I take inspiration from your post, and so you should be proud of your achievement, so many will have failed in their quest to lose weight but you didn't.

You will find happiness soon enough, just don't give up.

Kind Regards

Lotte x

864 said...

Hey I've been following you for some time now and i have sent 2 or 3 private emails about job hunting. I know you are struggling and so am I, but I wanted to ask you a few questions that I feel may help make sure you are in the right direction.
1. What are your long term goals in terms of work?
2. Do you want a career or do you just want to job that pays the bills?
3. What type of skills do you have? Write everything down including things that you feel may not be work appropriate.
4. If you want a career, what type of education do you need for it?
You can answer these here or you can email me privately at naadei82@gmail.com
I've been in your situation and I may be able to hep you.

Kelly said...

Welcome to the club, sister. Losing weight makes you an expert on your own life, and on yourself, and it makes you see things and people a whole lot differently, in some aspects. The people that left your life: ask yourself if you're better off?