Saturday's with Stef

12:07 AM

Tears keep flowing and the hurt seems unbearable at times. I have NEVER had someone so close to me pass away. So losing my grandpa feels as if my world will NEVER be the same and to be honest, it probably wont. When I say God taught me a lesson in TRUE loss and pain...I truly believe he did.
After my ex and I split up, I was convinced he was my greatest loss and my greatest pain. Loving someone for 11 years and then NOT having them really makes you feel as if your world has been taken out from under you and your heart crushed into a million tiny little you are gonna repair it is just mind boggling.

And then my grandpa passed.

I lost and gained a tremendous amount of pain.

This was the TRUE definition of loss and pain.

I can no longer call him and hear his voice.

I can longer hug him and feel his warm embrace.

I can no longer have him tell me he loves me.

PHYSICALLY-- My grandpa is gone and I would so give ANYTHING to have him physically back.
While on his death bed, he was pulling out his nose plugs for oxygen...I said, "Grandpa if you REALLY love me you wouldn't do that!" He turned to me and said, "I love you VERY VERY much but I will not listen to you" and I laughed.

He loved me...VERY VERY much....and my heart melted.

God teaches you some crazy things on HIS TIME...Not ours. 
(Smirks at God)

For instance:

-Walking away from the ex (even though he texted me twice this week and I did not respond) taught me Self-worth, Self-respect, Strength and determination.

-Losing Chloe taught me patience

-& Then theres my grandpa...which taught me TRUE pain and loss.

Life lessons suck...well at least the having to learn them part because that tends to be a ON-HANDS Gods assignment.

So---with that said and my heart poured out I want you to go give your mom, dad, brother, sister, grandpa, grandma & any other loved one a HUGE hug and kiss...because right now, I am DYING for just one more hug from my grandpa.

P.S: The above picture was taken on my grandfathers last day PHYSICALLY roaming this planet...I said "I love you so so much grandpa!" Kissed his forehead and he squeezed my hand twice. The picture of our hands was taken and I will ALWAYS remember that moment.



Unknown said...

Stef, I won't tell you things will ever be the same again, because they won't, but things do get better. The best way of dealing with the loss of someone close to you is remembering them for who they were. Laughing at the funny moments, smiling at the happy ones, crying when you feel like you need to, and knowing that in life, we must always deal with death because it happens to everyone. I've lost many loved ones. My Mom (first and foremost), my grandpa, my favorite uncle, my cousin, and some great aunts. I've become familiar with death, and have learned that it happens to all, the young, the middle aged, and the elderly. Sometimes I'll think about my mom, my uncle, or my grandpa and laugh at the funny moments or cry at the fact that their not here. It's hard, but I've learned to deal. I think of them as my Guardian angels and live my days happily because I know that's what they'd want. I shed tears and that helps release myself from any pain. It'll be okay love. I promise, everything will be okay. You're strong and you will get through it, just like you've gotten through so much more Hun. I'm here for you anytime.

Marta said...

It is hard to accept when the people we love leave us, but we, the one still in this world need to be strong. Your grandpa is in a better place now even though it would be better to have him around and be able to call him or see him whenever. Just remember all the good time you shared with him and smile.

Big Mark 243 said...

This was a very touching post. You will be in my thoughts, Stef.

Unknown said...

Soooo sorry for your and your family are in my prayers. xoxo

LaaLaa said...

♥ I'm so sorry baby boo. You & your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I love you xoxo

Nekiah Torres said...

I swear I am crying right now. Praying for you Stef! It will get easier with time. Kiah

Full Figured Diva said...

Hey beautiful! Soooo sorry for your loss! I will keep you and your family in my prayers during this difficult time!

Savannah said...

Aww I'm so sorry Stef ):
It seems like you've taken a horrible thing and found the positive in it. I wish the best for you and your family!


Sara said...

That was a tremendously touching post, I'm sorry for your loss and will keep you and your family in my prayers.


♥ CG ♥ said...

So sorry for your loss, Stef. I know your grandad was proud of the smart, beautiful and successful woman you have become. He will forever reside in your heart. May memories of the great times be of comfort to you :-)

p49it said...

Been stumbling to your blog. And I like it what have you wrote.

So sorry for your loss. But I know for sure, this will make you stronger.