SATURDAYS WITH STEF: I feel like a loser

12:00 AM


As I sit here with tears in my eyes, I feel like a loser. I think, "Maybe I shouldn't have quit that steady paycheck" and I start to panic. I haven't slept in two weeks and I am hurting inside. But I cant say I am hurting because others are hurting too. 

Then I think, "Stef you did the right thing!" I was coming home being sexually harassed, humiliated and degraded. I quit because I am not any ones punching bag nor any companies punching bag. I did the right thing.

I feel so alone nowadays. I feel like I have let myself down. I see most 27 year olds with full time jobs, boyfriends, nice cars and I cant even get an interview. I know God has some kind of path set out for me. Some kind of GREAT path. 

I have this incredible need to help women. I have this incredible need to save them from walking down the path I did.


Here I am trying to get a full-time job. A Monday-Friday 9-5 so my mom wont look at me and be worried. I don't want her to be worried about me anymore. 

I feel like crying. Like I cant breathe. My heart is so heavy but I cant cry. People depend on me to NOT cry. So I suck it in. Suck it up and not cry....I want to cry. 

But I smile instead.

8 comments:

Nina Gonzalez said...

girl, no tengas miedo...
don't be afraid to cry. if you feel like you need to, then just let it all out. crying is not bad, it is a way our soul lets out pain, frustration, exhaustion...confusion and even joy! so please don't hold it in anymore...let yourself cry, it will feel good after a nice cry...and then you can eat some peeps and your mama or abuelita will make you smile and laugh..and you'll remember that because everything that you have been through...you are who you are today...a strong, determined and LOVING young woman who nurtures and cares for those around you.

te quiero amiga!

Big Mark 243 said...

Hey Steff... you ARE a loser... a loser of weight, a loser of bad boyfriends, a loser of bad patterns... add those together among other things, and that all makes you A WINNER...

Keep the faith, young woman... there is not a DOUBT in my mind that you will find something better, something that is more in line with your directions and goals... you are moving in YOUR DIRECTION and I have ALWAYS had all the confidence in the world in you... that is one of the things about having someone who "knew you when" catching up with you and seeing how much you have REALLY GROWN...

You made the right decision... a good life is made of lots and lots of "right decisions"... keep the faith...

traci's mixed bag said...

Hang in there Stef! You did the right thing, in these moments your new path will become apparent. I know it's cliche but this situation will force you to think outside the box and take risks you would never take. It's going to get better.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://buyviagrapremiumpharmacy.com/#zcwam]buy cheap viagra[/url] - buy viagra online , http://buyviagrapremiumpharmacy.com/#fzyzg buy viagra online

LaaLaa Monroe said...

It's hard everywhere. Cry if you need too, this weekend sounds like it's been a rough one. The head clearing is necessary. You need to heal and be fresh and stronger for the next day. There's nothing more better than being safe and feeling you have valued yourself. Money is useful but you don't want to be degrading yourself for it. Your a winner, always will be what Big Mark said is true, you are a loser but a loser of all the bad stuff xo

Sol Fontanez said...

Dont be afraid or worrid. God is so good and he does not give us more than we can handle. Dont think of what you dont have instead appreciatte all the blessing that you o have. Sometimes we have to walk away from that job, car, person, house or even city.. But if you feel better and you are safe that is whats important. God will see you through, dont loose Faith..

Sol Fontanez said...

Dont be afraid or worrid. God is so good and he does not give us more than we can handle. Dont think of what you dont have instead appreciatte all the blessing that you o have. Sometimes we have to walk away from that job, car, person, house or even city.. But if you feel better and you are safe that is whats important. God will see you through, dont loose Faith..

I Teach said...

Cry is you need to! Also I had mentioned in a previous post if you're looking for some employment try Trotta Associates. They have a fb page :)