Saturday's with Stef: The Woman in the Mirror

12:03 AM

I know I am beautiful....but believe when I say, I never felt this way.

Sometimes I look at my reflection and think, "Is that me? Shes hot!?"
(conceited right? LMAO)

I speak openly about what I call, "The Fat Girl Complex." A complex in which in my head I still see myself as a bigger woman. The smaller me has been very uneasy and open to accepting compliments. Sometimes I think, "They are talking to me right?!"

And let me tell you, that happens often with the opposite sex. I hear a man call me "gorgeous", "Beautiful", etc and I think, "ME?" I think I told you the story of my bar hopping last month. My best guy and girl friend went bar hopping in Downtown L.A and there was a gorgeous man. Now I have never been the girl who gets the hottest guy in the room...but I DID! He and I went back and forth for a while but it really did stroke my ego.

The woman in the mirror sees beautiful.

But also, the curves.

I see the stretchmarks that I wear proudly.
I see the cellulite on my thighs.
I see a beautiful woman.

But as soon as I look at my Facebook pictures I think, "Is that really my mold?" Okay, okay,okay, I sound totally nuts right? But I know at one point y'all have looked in the mirror and wondered if how you see yourself in the mirror is how others see you.

So you are wondering where is this coming from? Well I get told often from friends, "You can have your pick from any man!" Ive been hit on by ALL-kinds of men (even some women). Famous to average Joe's. I think me being single, and hearing this, makes me "Smh" because if I could have any guy I wanted, I wouldn't be single. My insides are pretty awesome if you ask me! I am someone who I would LOVE to be friends with. In fact, I am my own best friend. But I always wonder if the mold I see, is what others see. 

Does this blog even make sense?!

Probably not.

Just roll with it....


safire said...

You are beautiful! I totally get where this post is coming from though.

I waver between thinking I'm beautiful and self-doubt ALL the time.

I remember at my highest weight I still felt good about myself when I "dressed up" which is why I let it get as bad as it did. I thought I dressed well to cover up my insecurities. I would go to parties and think I looked hot only to be tagged in pictures on facebook and be mortified. The person in the mirror and the person on camera did NOT add up in my case.
Nowadays, I'm finding myself a little vain.... haha

have a great weekend.

Searching4Oz said...

Hi Steph, I just wanted to let you know that you are beautiful and that I love your blog. You inspired me to make some changes and start writing again. Thanks for all you do!

Big Mark 243 said...

I feel you Steff... I went through the process a bit younger than you... when I went in the Army after high school...

It took me a few YEARS to get used to it... so just relax and begin to look for the kind of traits you want your man to have and before you know it, he will appear..!

p.s. - I love the stretch marks and dimples..! For real..!

Taylor Morgan said...

Great job! I am not going to lie, the first line made you sound VERY conceited, haha. But I kept reading and completely changed my opinion. I completely understand what you are saying, and to that I say, Congratulations! enjoy it, you look great! :)


Unknown said...

i know exactly how you feel stef. i hear all the time how beautiful i am and for awhile it stays with me but eventually i look in the mirror again and all i seem to see are my "flaws". Instead of seeing the beautiful parts of myself, these self-defeating thoughts bombard my self-consciousness and i'm back at square one. this makes me feel not so pretty a lot of the time but i do have those moments where i'm like damn girl yu are bad! lol

the idea that i see myself from a more distorted lens projected onto me by those people i trusted to build me up is something i'm constantly struggling with. it's a process, loving yourself is girl. i have to remind myself of that all the time.