OUTFIT OF THE NIGHT + DATE NIGHT

 

Last night was date night...He took me to the L.A Gun Club and let me shoot some rounds. He taught me how to load the gun, aim...he was just so patient with me. 

Above is my outfit...I had to change the shoes because he required me to wear closed toe...lol At first I didnt know why. Until I saw the building.

Here is a few pics from Last nights date...

We ended up after at L.A Lives Yard House for a little snacky-pooh and beer...

I had a great night!!!

VLOG: Dating in a new body

SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: You didn't want me THEN , I don't want you NOW!

 

This week a friend on Facebook asked me if people (men) from my past all of a sudden wanna date me and how do I react.

See last year I made a HUGE mistake of giving these men the time of day only to be let down. I'm just the arm candy they wanted wrapped in their beds and really could care less about me. Hence "Hank Moody", who was often the man I went to time to time because he strung me along. Before the new year began I sent him a text, pretty much that I don't deserve a man like him. Men like him don't go far in life and cant truly make a woman happy because they are unhappy with themselves. He never responded and I was actually happy. I do hope he finds a woman who loves him and he doesn't treat as badly as he treated me.

But it wasn't just him. I gave many men who turned the cheek when I was heavier the time of day because they saw thinner Stef. MY MISTAKE. If you didn't want me THEN, I DON'T WANT YOU NOW, is my NEW motto.

I know I am gorgeous. I know men who would GIVE anything to have me as their girlfriend, to wife me and make a family with me. Sadly, these past men aren't any of them.

New Years Day I woke up to 12 text messages from different men "Happy New Year Stef, maybe we can go out this year!" Um no. All 12 implied going out THIS year. NO THANK YOU! I'm not interested anymore. Texts erased!

I met a man 3000 miles away that truly wants to get to know me. All the fun stuff, what I like, what I don't. I don't know where WE will end up. Maybe he will be my soul mate, maybe he'll simply be just a man who stays in my life. All I know is getting to know things about him makes me feel like I am 15. Even though there is no commitment and he is allowed to date other women until we meet and figure something out, and vice versa, we are focusing on us. And that's the best part....

All I know is men from the past aren't gonna save me.

They would stand and laugh and I am not looking for a man who will do that.

I want a man who will stick out the bad times with me and want to live in a house with a big backyard and have BBQ's on summer Sundays. A man who would never go to bed mad at me. Who would meet death before he lets me meet harm or causes me pain. 

I need a man who thinks I am the most amazing thing in the world even when I cop an attitude. A man who gives me himself wholly and isn't afraid to say "I do" in front of my family and his.

So these men in the past....don't get the time of day with me anymore. I know my worth.

 

VLOG: I dont want it if it's easy....

Saturday's with Stef: It Starts with Friendship

 

I decided to not speak about who I am dating when it comes to my website/ For HIS privacy, MY privacy, and OUR privacy.

However, there is no one I am dating at the current moment...just gonna throw that out there. 

I recently had a lot of time to think about my ex. The damage he had done and how much I turned that negative into a positive. I owe a lot to him, believe it or not. Putting his feces in my mouth really was an all time low for me and to be honest, I refuse to let any other man make me feel that way ever again.

I know what I want and what I don't want out of a relationship. I have also learned a lot about me as a human being and as a woman.

Someone asked me though, "what do you really want out of a relationship Stef?" I simply want to grow old with my best friend. I'm not asking for a perfect relationship, in fact I am VERY aware that relationships take work and time, therefore I want someone who s gonna be willing to work at US. Someone who will always have my back, even when I am wrong. Someone who think I am just oh so beautiful and feel lucky to have me. Someone who wants to grow old with me, raise a family and celebrate anniversaries the cheesy way. Someone who when we are old, will laugh hysterically at the the one vacation from hell. Someone who will make me feel beautiful and inspire me in the most positive ways through out my life. I want my best friend. My soul mate.

I truly believe the best relationships come out of friendships. I also believe that FRIENDSHIP is the base for the relationship. Call me old fashioned, call me a dreamer, but I look forward to marrying my best friend.

I'm flying solo as of right now and that is fine by me. I am working on me. If a man wants to kiss me, so be it, but I am not gonna go chasing love. Love will come to me. It will be that light bulb that goes off in our heads and the start to something awesome. I just know it. 

Losing weight has made me feel so beautiful now. Not that I didn't feel that way before, but it makes me feel like I can do anything my heart desires and finish my goals. The ambition in me gets fired up and my wings spread...oh how I am ready to fly and meet whomever God wants me to be with. Working on me has taught me Self-Love. We all know you cant love someone else unless we love ourselves. And heaven knows, everyone doesn't have their shit together when it comes to a particular section of our lives...I am ready for that. Hell, I have my section, but it's about not seeing that knowing that it will get together and things fall into place.

I guess in all...

I cant wait to find my best friend.

Until then, I am my own best friend.

Saturday's with Stef: Good Men Exist....Right?

When I was bigger, I used to think thinner people had dating easier.

Boy was I wrong.

Now that I am thinner. I feel like it gets WORSE!

In fact parts of me are so scared that if a good man does come along, that I will have no clue to what to do. We all know I have been treated like crap. I cant even think of a time when a guy actually paid for our date and did little things to let me know he cares. For instance, genuinely ask how my day is going or say, "Thought of you...." and send me a picture of something him and I discussed.

I was telling my best friend that I have never felt like a princess but I have treated them like princes. As now, I am older, I am looking for my KING. Someone who wont feel ashamed to do all that cheesy crap with me. Late night drives to a spot that over looks the L.A skyline, put the radio on, and just talk. Or someone who will say, "Come over!" and we have dinner and movie night.

Someone who can actually HOLD OUT sex with me because he respects me THAT much. Don't get me wrong, sex is apart of a relationship, but I want the first time with whoever it is to be special. To be MORE than just sex. To where he looks at me in the morning and says, "What are we gonna do today?"  and have him walk away saying, feeling, and thinking, "I can do that for the rest of my life!"

I have never been someones Queen. Never been the woman whom a guy can say, "Even though she has her moments, I have mine and we have ours, I love that woman with every ounce in my soul....I'm in love with that woman."

Maybe I am completely naive for this.

Maybe I am hoping for that fairytale.

I know others have dreams. Other women want money, success, and all that great stuff...and maybe I am a little off with MY dream. I want a family. I think this describes it best, I found it online and it was written by a guy: 

I WOULD DATE YOU SO HARD AND THEN MARRY THE SHIT OUTTA YOU.

    THEN RAISE THE HELL OUT OF OUR KIDS!             

AND GIVE YOU ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER NEED.             

AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT MORTGAGE.             

AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT LADDER AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY JUDGING MY WORK.            

 AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE HELL OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE.             

WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL USE HIGH EFFING SPEED.            

 BUY A MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL BABIES INTO IT AND DRIVE THE HELL OUT OF IT.           

 THEN WE CAN GO SOME PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE HELL OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OUT OF HER IN THE CAR.  

           AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE MINIVAN AND GO TO THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE.            

 AND THEN COOK THE HELL OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR DAYS.             

I WILL EAT THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES.           

  THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET PRUNEY.    

  WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS  GRADUATE AND TEAR UP LIKE THE BADASS BOSSES WE ARE.            

 WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE RAISINS.            

 I WILL TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.            

 HOLDING EACH OTHER’S HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES. 

            UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS CORPSES TOGETHER.             

TIL DEATH DO US PART.             

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Okay, Okay....SOMETHING like this...isn't it cute.

Maybe I'm just a dreamer.

Men like that don't exists, at least not in L.A

It would be nice to have ONE prove me wrong.

It just would be nice to have a man who knows how to be a man, and yet is sensitive and knows that I don't ask for much. Material things aren't my thing, but what I need is to know he loves me for me and unconditionally. -Sighs-

Men like that exist right?

Somewhere, some how my knight in shining armor (or at least my version) is out there wishing for me too?RIIIIIIIIIIGHHHT?

Anyways, That is all....-Sighs- It would be nice to go on my LAST first date....

Saturdays With Stef: It's OKAY to look STUPID!

So this past month I have taken up Zumba...yes, yes I am late on the Zumba train and I will tell you why!

I was afraid to look stupid.

Yes. That is the only reason. But I found a great instructor by the name of Daisy (which if you click on her name you can see her schedule and if you are close enough, JOIN ME!) and no matter if I cant keep up or cant get the moves right, I enjoy. I enjoy looking stupid! We all look funny doing Zumba at one point or another! Its fun! Yes, looking stupid has never felt more liberating and fun!

Also I get a MAJOR amount of Weight Watcher Activity Points...SCORE!

But that's not the jest of this...by taking Zumba I have just realized that it's okay to look stupid! And with dating in particular. I have been on date after date with a few men. I swear dating should be the time of my life, but I actually caught feelings for one. Sadly, he and I had different views. Should we just date or do we enjoy the single-life...as you can tell I wanted to date and he didn't. Which was cool. There was an unbelivable amount of chemistry but I guess things ended up getting messy because just staying friends was HARD. He took NUMEROUS jabs at me. NUMEROUS & sadly I chose to part ways just a few days ago. While some other woman (I guess he is now seeing) was busy talking and laughing about me, because he took her to Johnny Carinos for a glass of wine and me on a date to Shakeys, where we enjoyed laughs and great conversation and OBVIOUSLY sparked his interest, she laughed. Said he only takes "CERTAIN" kinds of girls to Shakey's....I dunno, but honestly I am glad he took me somewhere  I liked, he liked and we both enjoyed ourselves.

Mind you this is a girl he talked nothing but caca about to me and called her HORRID names. So I am sure she would feel stupid if she knew the truth.

As stupid as I may have looked to her, I realized I WAS GOOD. I am not the "One up" woman. And I didnt feel stupid. All the dinners we had, almost 2-3 times a week and our late night desert time at Denny's, was US. That was the REAL him not trying to impress me because he didnt have to and vice-versa. It was OUR THING. Texting each other every morning, receiving his "Good morning" and "Good night" texts....Spending time with him laughing and being in silence and not having to impress him. Not stupid to me at all.

I may look stupid. 

Sure, but I know that it felt effing fantastic!

And that's all that matters!

In life, you're gonna look stupid to others, but what matters is how you feel.

I am a shakeys and beer kind of gal.

SO WHAT!

I dont need wine to impress a guy.

I may look stupid from time to time...

OH WELL!

Thats life!

HERE'S TO LOOKING STUPID MORE OFTEN! 

CHEERS!

Saturday's With Stef: My Stripes

 

I am very aware of what I am posting...in fact, I sat on this for two whole weeks before I FINALLY said, "Do it Stef!"

These are my stripes

My stretch marks.

I never had them this bad until I lost weight. I never even knew they existed until I lost weight, but now, they are apart of who I am. This is what parts of my stomach looks like. Proud?  50/50...These stretch marks tell my story. A story of sadness. A story of finding happiness. A story of finding SELF-LOVE. 

So many women look at me and think I  have this GREAT body under my clothes. I don't. In fact, far from it. Heres me with clothes on...

No stripes! 

But this isnt about revealing myself.

Its letting women know that no body is a perfect body.

When I look at the first photo, I am reminded that I have come a LONG way and I will never, nor even strive to be, an Adriana Lima.  I am Stefanie. These are my stripes. These stripes symbolize my struggle. One I am working on STILL. Yes, I am VERY aware that the first picture isnt appealing to the opposite sex.

I am fully aware of that. I mean, let me be honest, being intimate with a man is on my "FREAK OUT" list. Let a man SEE my stripes? NERVE-WRECKING. But I read a Kat William quote and it made me giggle,

"We don't have no time to worry bout no sh** like stretch marks... They came from either 1 of 2 things... Either you was big & got small, or you were small & got big ! Either way we f***ing... Either Waaay!" 

I asked a few male friends about this and they agreed. I think as confident as I am, the stretch marks will always be a reminder to me that I am not perfect and no matter how much weight I lose, I still have my stripes. If a man digs my stripes, more power to him for actually looking past my beautiful flaw ( & we all know men get stretch marks too!)

This is me. Stretch marks and all. I love myself enough to say, "Take it or leave it" These stripes, these badges of being a woman, has molded me into who I am. I cannot change this. My stripes are HERE to stay no matter what I do to "lessen them"

So I say this to you....LOVE EVERY INCH OF YOURSELF.

There's no greater joy and feeling from LOVING YOURSELF.

You may have bad days, heaven knows I do, but love yourself and accept your flaws. Embrace em!

HERE'S TO STRIPES!

HERE'S TO FLAWS!

HERES TO SELF-LOVE

HERE'S TO BEAUTY IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES!

Stretch marks and all....

Saturday's with Stef: It's BEHIND me....

 

I have lost a lot of weight...and yes I feel sexy, smart and beautiful.

But there will always be THAT Stefanie.

The Stefanie who is still 2oo-some ought pounds.

The Stefanie guys rejected because of her weight.

The Stefanie who was just an option.

The Stefanie who felt so bad about herself she dated men who treated her badly,

I sit here crying...I'm not sure why, Maybe I do know why. Maybe its because for once I am scared...Scared that I will NEVER be good enough for a man.

Some look at me and say, "Im confused how you are single?" Its mind boggling. I think Im hot. Sometimes I look at my body and think, "Dayummmmmm" Why wouldnt a guy want this? Id want it!

Rejection...such an ugly feeling. Especially when I havent been rejected YET lol.

I think not knowing we are on the same page is whats scaring me. 

Every time I thought me and a guy was on the same page, turns out he was reading a whole other book.

And I think, a man would be so stupid to not be on it.

Id date me.

But I am so scared of rejection because for 11 years, a man who I shard my life with, told me what to do, gave the rules and rejected me all the time when he found something or someone better. Now that I am single...that rejection, that fear of it, hasn't went away.

I get when dating its suppose to be fun, but knowing someone is on the same page is always nice...ya feel me.

I just wanna be on the same page with someone who thinks, "If this woman is into me, I am one lucky man..."

I just want to be on the same page....

VLOG: Men with confidence are sexy....

Saturday's with Stef: "I'm just not attracted to you......"

 

Losing weight has been a blessing and a curse.

After regaining SOME of my self-esteem back, there's an abundance of men who hit on me on a daily basis. Talking sweet nothings, making plans such as "We should get a beer." For some girls, it's HEAVEN. For me, not so much.

I have to be PHYSICALLY attracted to a guy if I go out with them. If I am not, and end up going out with them, I am leading them on. How? They are so into me and I am not into them. They have already set the base on THEIR part, they wanna DATE me. I, on my part, usually don't wanna date these men and would rather be nice to them and not hurt their feelings. Then we have some who discard EVERYTHING I say. They don't work, they smoke weed, they have no car...and to be honest, I am NOT gonna put up with that type of crap again. NOPE. NUH-UH. NO WAY! They come on to me so string too, "I can be that man...", -Blank stare- What about what I want? Don't I get an input? Of course not, because these men seem to think I will date anything that walks, talks, has a penis and a pulse. NO WAY! I have standards to ya know.

Call me shallow, but when I first see a guy, I don't say,m "My Gosh, you have a beautiful heart." I CANNOT SEE THEIR HEART!! I obviously only see their PHYSICAL traits. I don't care what you call me when I first meet someone, shallow, stuck up. etc. I need to be attracted to someone physically at first. And after that hurdle, if you are good to me, GREAT. If not, BYE-BYE!

But when it comes down to FIRST going on a date with someone, I think looks play a big part. Call me shallow, but I do not have to date EVERY guy. If my gut says, "Nope" I am REFUSING to go against it. It's always been right. It hasn't failed me. So why would I not listen to it now?

VLOG: A 12 minute rant on ALL KINDS OF MEN!

Saturday's with Stef: There was a SECOND date

 

Yes ladies and gentlemen...there was a second date. More laughter, getting to know one another...The rest of the details I am keeping under wraps. Those are MY special moments. 

Well we have been texting and what not...I do like him.

He very, I mean VERY opposite of my other boyfriends.

Reserved, quiet...Hell, he even has a B.A, his own place, a job and a car....That's something NEW to me! Anyways...he held me. It felt wonderful to be held by a man who has no baggage. A man who I can possibly start something with.

Anyways, Its all NEW to me. Parts of me are scared and I dont know how to act. Taking it slow...REALLY slow. I know he is into me. He texts me EVERY morning with "Good morning beautiful" To be honest, that just makes my day. I am not sure if he is seeing other girls...its not my place to ask nor even GO THERE. I like him...and I am PRAYING to God he stays around.He's funny, he's smart. He's kind, caring, He has his crap together! and honestly, he kisses me unlike any others. He holds my hand so gently....

Okay enough details...

So yes, there was a second date...and I wasn't AS scared as I was on the first one. In fact I am anxiously awaiting until w go out again.

*Crosses fingers*

VLOG: Date Yourself....Its an amazing feeling.