SATURDAY'S WITH STEF: You didn't want me THEN , I don't want you NOW!

 

This week a friend on Facebook asked me if people (men) from my past all of a sudden wanna date me and how do I react.

See last year I made a HUGE mistake of giving these men the time of day only to be let down. I'm just the arm candy they wanted wrapped in their beds and really could care less about me. Hence "Hank Moody", who was often the man I went to time to time because he strung me along. Before the new year began I sent him a text, pretty much that I don't deserve a man like him. Men like him don't go far in life and cant truly make a woman happy because they are unhappy with themselves. He never responded and I was actually happy. I do hope he finds a woman who loves him and he doesn't treat as badly as he treated me.

But it wasn't just him. I gave many men who turned the cheek when I was heavier the time of day because they saw thinner Stef. MY MISTAKE. If you didn't want me THEN, I DON'T WANT YOU NOW, is my NEW motto.

I know I am gorgeous. I know men who would GIVE anything to have me as their girlfriend, to wife me and make a family with me. Sadly, these past men aren't any of them.

New Years Day I woke up to 12 text messages from different men "Happy New Year Stef, maybe we can go out this year!" Um no. All 12 implied going out THIS year. NO THANK YOU! I'm not interested anymore. Texts erased!

I met a man 3000 miles away that truly wants to get to know me. All the fun stuff, what I like, what I don't. I don't know where WE will end up. Maybe he will be my soul mate, maybe he'll simply be just a man who stays in my life. All I know is getting to know things about him makes me feel like I am 15. Even though there is no commitment and he is allowed to date other women until we meet and figure something out, and vice versa, we are focusing on us. And that's the best part....

All I know is men from the past aren't gonna save me.

They would stand and laugh and I am not looking for a man who will do that.

I want a man who will stick out the bad times with me and want to live in a house with a big backyard and have BBQ's on summer Sundays. A man who would never go to bed mad at me. Who would meet death before he lets me meet harm or causes me pain. 

I need a man who thinks I am the most amazing thing in the world even when I cop an attitude. A man who gives me himself wholly and isn't afraid to say "I do" in front of my family and his.

So these men in the past....don't get the time of day with me anymore. I know my worth.

 

Saturday's with Stef: It Starts with Friendship

 

I decided to not speak about who I am dating when it comes to my website/ For HIS privacy, MY privacy, and OUR privacy.

However, there is no one I am dating at the current moment...just gonna throw that out there. 

I recently had a lot of time to think about my ex. The damage he had done and how much I turned that negative into a positive. I owe a lot to him, believe it or not. Putting his feces in my mouth really was an all time low for me and to be honest, I refuse to let any other man make me feel that way ever again.

I know what I want and what I don't want out of a relationship. I have also learned a lot about me as a human being and as a woman.

Someone asked me though, "what do you really want out of a relationship Stef?" I simply want to grow old with my best friend. I'm not asking for a perfect relationship, in fact I am VERY aware that relationships take work and time, therefore I want someone who s gonna be willing to work at US. Someone who will always have my back, even when I am wrong. Someone who think I am just oh so beautiful and feel lucky to have me. Someone who wants to grow old with me, raise a family and celebrate anniversaries the cheesy way. Someone who when we are old, will laugh hysterically at the the one vacation from hell. Someone who will make me feel beautiful and inspire me in the most positive ways through out my life. I want my best friend. My soul mate.

I truly believe the best relationships come out of friendships. I also believe that FRIENDSHIP is the base for the relationship. Call me old fashioned, call me a dreamer, but I look forward to marrying my best friend.

I'm flying solo as of right now and that is fine by me. I am working on me. If a man wants to kiss me, so be it, but I am not gonna go chasing love. Love will come to me. It will be that light bulb that goes off in our heads and the start to something awesome. I just know it. 

Losing weight has made me feel so beautiful now. Not that I didn't feel that way before, but it makes me feel like I can do anything my heart desires and finish my goals. The ambition in me gets fired up and my wings spread...oh how I am ready to fly and meet whomever God wants me to be with. Working on me has taught me Self-Love. We all know you cant love someone else unless we love ourselves. And heaven knows, everyone doesn't have their shit together when it comes to a particular section of our lives...I am ready for that. Hell, I have my section, but it's about not seeing that knowing that it will get together and things fall into place.

I guess in all...

I cant wait to find my best friend.

Until then, I am my own best friend.

Saturday's with Stef: Perfection doesn't exist...

 

My life. My choices.

I admit, when it comes to my love life I have made some decisions that have TURNED out shitty.

-Shrugs-

All lessons are learned.

I'm not perfect and I believe in second chances.

Call me naive, call me gullible, call me a doormat....but I truly believe, that when your heart and mind AGREE on the chance, you're good to go!

I believe in laying all your cards out on the table and saying, "This is what I have? Either you are with it or not?"

All it takes is a GOOD, LONG conversation to sort out things.

You learn a lot about someone when you look into their eyes and talk things out.

At least your heart does.

I have ALWAYS been a firm believer that the BEST relationships are those who stem from friendships. Sure there are gonna be some flaws. People who say their relationship is
PERFECT" or "CLOSE TO IT" are liars. NOTHING OR NO ONE is close to or perfect. 

This past week after sorting things out, meaning my feelings, I have come to learn something about myself. As a writer, you'd think I would know this by now....but like everyone, I was blind to it. My words have hurt someone and I NEVER meant for them too. I also learned that you need to SPEAK UP.

I'm not sure who I am going to end up with. But I am looking forward to finding him, or shall I say him finding me. Hey! Maybe he's right in front of me. Someone out there will sit and watch the basketball game with me, he will have a beer with me at the end of a long day. He will think I am the most beautiful woman whether I am stuffing my face with pizza and mojos, whether I am in sweats, or have no make-up on. He'll laugh hysterically at me when I have a blond moment, but also know I am a smart cookie. He'll remember the LITTLE things about me. Like how I love the beach and especially at night. How every summer I LOVE going to the tide pools. 

He'll remember that I have ONE cheat day a week and when I do, he'll take me Shakeys and buy me a brownie....he'll lay with me and just let me be in silence on days I wanna cry. He'll know shoes and purses make me really happy but what I want the most is his loyalty, honesty, commitment, kisses and hugs.

He'll look at men with a smirk when he sees they are gawking at me yet know Im his. He'll be proud of me....REGARDLESS. And love me unconditionally because he will know he too has faults.

No one is perfect.

I'm not.

I cant wait to find my version of prince -charming. Someone who is as mighty as a lion yet gentle as a blue bird. A man who can be a man.

-Sighs-

No one is perfect....

I rambled on huh?

*Laughs*

I'm in a good spot right now. 

HOPEFUL!

Cheers to hope and faith! 

Saturday's with Stef: Good Men Exist....Right?

When I was bigger, I used to think thinner people had dating easier.

Boy was I wrong.

Now that I am thinner. I feel like it gets WORSE!

In fact parts of me are so scared that if a good man does come along, that I will have no clue to what to do. We all know I have been treated like crap. I cant even think of a time when a guy actually paid for our date and did little things to let me know he cares. For instance, genuinely ask how my day is going or say, "Thought of you...." and send me a picture of something him and I discussed.

I was telling my best friend that I have never felt like a princess but I have treated them like princes. As now, I am older, I am looking for my KING. Someone who wont feel ashamed to do all that cheesy crap with me. Late night drives to a spot that over looks the L.A skyline, put the radio on, and just talk. Or someone who will say, "Come over!" and we have dinner and movie night.

Someone who can actually HOLD OUT sex with me because he respects me THAT much. Don't get me wrong, sex is apart of a relationship, but I want the first time with whoever it is to be special. To be MORE than just sex. To where he looks at me in the morning and says, "What are we gonna do today?"  and have him walk away saying, feeling, and thinking, "I can do that for the rest of my life!"

I have never been someones Queen. Never been the woman whom a guy can say, "Even though she has her moments, I have mine and we have ours, I love that woman with every ounce in my soul....I'm in love with that woman."

Maybe I am completely naive for this.

Maybe I am hoping for that fairytale.

I know others have dreams. Other women want money, success, and all that great stuff...and maybe I am a little off with MY dream. I want a family. I think this describes it best, I found it online and it was written by a guy: 

I WOULD DATE YOU SO HARD AND THEN MARRY THE SHIT OUTTA YOU.

    THEN RAISE THE HELL OUT OF OUR KIDS!             

AND GIVE YOU ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER NEED.             

AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT MORTGAGE.             

AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT LADDER AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY JUDGING MY WORK.            

 AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE HELL OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE.             

WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL USE HIGH EFFING SPEED.            

 BUY A MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL BABIES INTO IT AND DRIVE THE HELL OUT OF IT.           

 THEN WE CAN GO SOME PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE HELL OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OUT OF HER IN THE CAR.  

           AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE MINIVAN AND GO TO THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE.            

 AND THEN COOK THE HELL OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR DAYS.             

I WILL EAT THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES.           

  THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET PRUNEY.    

  WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS  GRADUATE AND TEAR UP LIKE THE BADASS BOSSES WE ARE.            

 WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE RAISINS.            

 I WILL TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.            

 HOLDING EACH OTHER’S HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES. 

            UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS CORPSES TOGETHER.             

TIL DEATH DO US PART.             

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Okay, Okay....SOMETHING like this...isn't it cute.

Maybe I'm just a dreamer.

Men like that don't exists, at least not in L.A

It would be nice to have ONE prove me wrong.

It just would be nice to have a man who knows how to be a man, and yet is sensitive and knows that I don't ask for much. Material things aren't my thing, but what I need is to know he loves me for me and unconditionally. -Sighs-

Men like that exist right?

Somewhere, some how my knight in shining armor (or at least my version) is out there wishing for me too?RIIIIIIIIIIGHHHT?

Anyways, That is all....-Sighs- It would be nice to go on my LAST first date....

VLOG: Date Yourself....Its an amazing feeling.