VLOG: Im a Loser baby....wait! Am I?

VLOG: Are there degrees of nudity?

VLOG: A woman's SELF-LOVE, RESPECT & WORTH...Where is it nowadays?

Saturday's with Stef

 

My heart is feeling like it took a good pounding. I recently did a VLOG on what I want and what I deserve. I know often we accept the love we THINK we deserve. People tend to look at me and think I have guys lined up to date me -Blank stare- If that's the case, someone surely lead me in the wrong direction! So yeah, that's not true. I was just getting used to being happy and honestly I sit here, telling you I have never felt so confused in my life.

Someone came back into my life.

What I want and deserve are, like I explained, at the opposite end of the spectrum. 

What I want is this person to treat me good, make me feel loved at all times, be honest, be open and be able to be trusted. But the truth and the REALITY of it is, there is SO much damage that it's impossible to even have a clean slate. So I have a plate full of sadness, scars, and a few GREAT memories. However, What I want is not guaranteed.

What I deserve however. Is someone to treat me good, be gentle, kind, caring, understand and compassionate. Someone who will LOVE ME TO DEATH and will die before they let me meet harm. I deserve a GREAT person who will tell me the truth, be honest and I will be able to trust without a doubt in my mind, body and soul. I deserve a GREAT person in my life.

I think right now I am so torn between my head and my heart. My heart wants what it wants but my head knows better than to go down that road again. A road filled with sadness and unhappiness. 

Here are a few Questions I need your P.O.V on:

So what do you usually go with, Your head or your heart?

Do you usually go with what you want or what you deserve?

And lastly, is your gut feeling/instinct always the RIGHT feeling?

VLOG: What you WANT & what you DESERVE....

VLOG: Competition

Saturday's with Stef

 

After a break up there is a lot of repairing to do. When I say "a lot"...I mean A LOT. It's taken me some time now to start loving me. ALL OF ME. Cellulite and all. I can now FULLY say, I am okay with myself enough to stand in front of the mirror naked and not feel so low.

So, where is this entry headed? Well, I will tell you...My whole life I have been the bigger friend. All my friends are skinny-minnies. And to be honest, I don't have many friends. I got One best friend Named Sher and One best friend named Jonathan and about 6 REALLY REALLY REALLY CLOSE friends (Thats all I need to be honest)Well, the rest lets call them acquaintances, so I am surrounded by thin women ALL DAY. However, it wasn't up until 2 years ago I have LOVED my curves., Wasn't up until this last break-up when I was put back on the market...

Anyways, back to friends....

I go to the gym...I eat healthy (or try to lol) and I use PORTION CONTROL every time. I know I am a healthy Latina. I know I am a healthy woman. So here I am, at a point where I can say, "I'm okay" with myself naked. And I realize that people who I thought would be supportive, aren't. These are other women who are bigger than me. Which is weird. Then I heard it, "I can't like you no more, your gonna be skinny!" and it was then I realized, true colors are coming out. The Jealousy. I don't plan to be thin. Let's make this clear. I will settle for a size 12 and that my friends, is all I ask...is to be a size 12! But come on...you can't be around me? Just because I am choosing to live a healthier life? You got to be kidding me.

But then I have people who are losing weight and feel the need to compete with me. When did this become a competition. Since when did losing weight become a competition? 

It seriously frustrates me when others are concerned with MY weight loss. MY life. The way I see it is, "You stick to your side of the street and I will stick to mine! If we can respect that, then it's all good in the hood!"

Any who, Did you see the Vogue Italia? 

Curvy women dominates the June Issue! How awesome is that!? 

CURVES For The Win!!!

VLOG: Whats in my purse....

OUTFIT OF THE DAY: One Nation Under God...

 

 

Shirt by: Janette Plus

Skinny Jeans are by:  Levi

Sandals by:Walmart

 

I love this blouse! Its light and flowy and has this Spanish flare to it!  It was my brother's "Future Soldier" event  this past Saturday and it wasn't dressy...so I thought" Hot sun+ Soldiers + Me" and this outfit fit the equal! Lol. Down below are the stars from Reno 911! They were there. The Army made me have more respect for them. At first I was scared for my little brother but now I know he's in good hands! 

Congrats Max! you have made us Proud!

Saturday's with Stef

Loving me. Two simple words that are so difficult to do. When I was bigger, I LOVED me. In fact, I totally thought I was one hot babe. Now that I am smaller, insecurities rise. Not sure why? I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and say, "Whats up?" Seriously...If I was a dude, I would totally scoop myself up. I'm not a bad girlfriend either. But back to loving me. I looked at some of my pictures from my "The rose that grew from concrete" look. I smiled. It's been awhile since I have seen a full-bodied picture of myself and actually smiled. My butt looked so cute and I saw my curves. It's as if they spoke, "Love yourself Stef, you're getting hot!"

I'm not only losing weight for esteem issues...but when I do have children, I want to be able to be outdoors with them. I want to be able to practice basketball, baseball, or whatever sport they are in with them. I want them to know what its like to have a on the field mom, not a side-lines mom. I want to be able to show them a healthy lifestyle. A life full of non health issues. I saw my grandpa today. He's so frail and has so many issues. Congestive heart failure, he can't urine, his blood thins out too much...and we all know its from the choices he made as a youngin'.I totally don't want to be that way. I want my kids to NOT worry about me. To say, "My mom can still out run your mom and shes 75!"

I love myself a little bit more everyday. Every day I look at myself and say, "I love you!"....

I'm not FULLY there...but I'm getting there. 

VLOG: Go out with EVERY man who asks me out?

Saturday's with Stef

Unconditional love. Those words alone, strike cords with me. These words are deeply rooted into my heart. Truth is. there's only ONE man I have EVER truly loved and honestly, parts of me still love. I know, I know....how can I love an addict. It's easy, you just have to separate the drugs from the person. The man I fell in love with at 16, is AMAZING sober. Not sober...he's not so amazing. But days like today, I miss SOBER him. Truth is I compare every other man to the Sober him...he's whi I THOUGHT was my soul mate...I know, I know, how can someone who has abused me be my soul mate. It's a don't ask, don't tell situation. Parts of me are even scared to date again, because I am afraid no one will want me like he wanted me. No one will lay in bed and fall asleep with me like he did (When he was Sober, when he wasn't sober he was selling drugs, cheating and God knows what all while I was asleep)
Am I ready to love? NO. Am I ready to date? YES. But scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of having a man make me fall madly in love with him only for him to walk away. 
Truth is I want a man who actually knows MY WORTH. A man who will protect me, be in my corner, and be proud that I am his. Who will tell me the truth even when it hurts, take me out on dates or even just be comfortable sitting at home in PJ's watching basketball with me.I am scared that I will NEVER find that man...My other half, the love of my life that wants to grow old with me.   Scared.
  

VLOG : Growing a "Pair" & Insecurity

Review: As Seen On Tv! : Easy Feet

 

My mom had been wanting this for some time now, so I bought it for her on Mother's Day. I got it at Walmart for $10. 

She had a few complaints about that but I will go into that later on...If you are like me, I HATE bending over to clean my feet when I shower or take a bath. So Ive been trying this gadget for a week or so.

 

So this is what it looks like. On the heel it has a pumice stone and the slipper like gadget is covered in bristles that aren't hard, but not soft. In fact, it tickles. What you do is throw your favorite soap on and simply move your foot back and forth, around and around....

DOES IT CLEAN YOUR FEET?

Cleaned Mine!

 

This is a closer look at the pumice stone and bristles.

 

The bottom has suctions on it from sliding everywhere...Here is where my moms complaint was (and mine also) They don't suction to the floor very well and sometimes will move depending on how fast your foot is moving when cleaning your feet. It also does not stick to a bath tub...it kept falling.

If I had to rate this: 4 out of 5 stars

Why 4?

The suction cups kind of killed it for me

Was it worth $10?

Yes!